Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Kay, Translated
For your enjoyment, a snarky, lambastic translation of selected quotes from Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison's recent address to a politics class at the University of Virginia. (Bonus: the picture of Kay featured in the story, though scaled down on that page, is an awesome 3,141 pixels wide by 1,902 pixels high. If you're looking for new wallpaper -- not computer desktop wallpaper, but real wallpaper-paste, on-your-house-walls wallpaper -- then this is perfect.)
"Okay, time's up -- nobobdy? Nobody at all? Okay, I'm in," she kept herself from adding.
"Listen kiddies, the only checks and balances that I've ever needed to keep my democracy strong are the kind of checks that have lots of zeros on them, and the kind of balances the bank mails you once a month. And oh yeah, the law totally rules, doesn't it? Can we just say that, and leave it at that? I don't know why all these pesky Democrats want to waste time with nasty investigations and such. Seriously, someone's career could get hurt here."
"Those Democrats are being mean to us. And we never did anything to them! Can't we all just get along? You know, like when we derailed the entire U.S. government to impeach Clinton for being naughty?"
"I'm a woman, and Hillary's a woman. I have more campaign money than I know what to do with, and she has even more than that. Sheeeeit, that chick's loaded. You don't even know. I mean, wow. Seriously."
"Personally, I'm hoping that dude who lost a couple elections ago tries again; that'd be a hoot. And that black guy? That is the only thing the guys up at the RNC are praying for harder than Hitlery to win the Democratic nomination."
"I know this doesn't make a damn lick of sense, since my buddy George and those crazy-ass friends of his have run most of the Federal government -- except the military, obviously -- into the ground, but I heard some smart-looking people say this at a DC dinner party some years ago, and thought it sounded good.
"Also, if people wind up actually believing me about not wanting to run for Vice President, then it looks like I'll have to settle for Governor. So I better start saying things about, you know, states and stuff."
"It was hard, but since then I've had, um, lots of practice, uh, you know, acting. Almost every day, in fact. Apparently, I'm pretty good at it." [winks]
When asked if she was interested in serving as vice president, Hutchison, responded with an emphatic "no," adding, "Who wants to be vice president?"
"Okay, time's up -- nobobdy? Nobody at all? Okay, I'm in," she kept herself from adding.
"It is the checks and balances, the rule of law ... [and the] resilience of our economy" that has kept our democracy strong, she said.
"Listen kiddies, the only checks and balances that I've ever needed to keep my democracy strong are the kind of checks that have lots of zeros on them, and the kind of balances the bank mails you once a month. And oh yeah, the law totally rules, doesn't it? Can we just say that, and leave it at that? I don't know why all these pesky Democrats want to waste time with nasty investigations and such. Seriously, someone's career could get hurt here."
Hutchison also stressed the "unhealthy atmosphere" and "partisanship" she believes exist in today's politics.
"We need some cooler heads right now," she said.
"Those Democrats are being mean to us. And we never did anything to them! Can't we all just get along? You know, like when we derailed the entire U.S. government to impeach Clinton for being naughty?"
Hutchison offered her opinions of potential candidates for the upcoming presidential election.
While she did not have a position on who will be nominated as the Republican candidate [not even to stress yet again that she won't run for Vice President in '08, which took a lot of willpower - ed.], she did offer some insight into likely Democratic candidates.
"I think Hilary [sic] [Clinton] will get the nomination, but I'm not willing to bet 25 cents on that," Hutchison said. "She has such a powerful infrastructure."
"I'm a woman, and Hillary's a woman. I have more campaign money than I know what to do with, and she has even more than that. Sheeeeit, that chick's loaded. You don't even know. I mean, wow. Seriously."
The senator also discussed frequent speculations that former Vice President Al Gore will make a potential run, and noted Sen. Barack Obama's strong chances.
"Personally, I'm hoping that dude who lost a couple elections ago tries again; that'd be a hoot. And that black guy? That is the only thing the guys up at the RNC are praying for harder than Hitlery to win the Democratic nomination."
Students were invited to ask questions concerning all facets of politics.
One student asked if states' rights were being infringed upon by modern government.
"I think the Federal government is encroaching upon states' rights too much," Hutchison responded. "I think we're going in the wrong direction and I am now a states' righter."
"I know this doesn't make a damn lick of sense, since my buddy George and those crazy-ass friends of his have run most of the Federal government -- except the military, obviously -- into the ground, but I heard some smart-looking people say this at a DC dinner party some years ago, and thought it sounded good.
"Also, if people wind up actually believing me about not wanting to run for Vice President, then it looks like I'll have to settle for Governor. So I better start saying things about, you know, states and stuff."
The guest lecture was not all business, though. Hutchison acted as a guest star in an episode of "Walker Texas Ranger" in 1997, prompting one student to ask about her experience working with Chuck Norris.
"Acting is a whole lot harder than it looks," Hutchison responded as the crowd laughed. "It was fun."
"It was hard, but since then I've had, um, lots of practice, uh, you know, acting. Almost every day, in fact. Apparently, I'm pretty good at it." [winks]
